Last night, I had an argument with God about feeling trapped.  I kept telling him that I'm willing to do whatever he wants, just so long as it's not here.  I wanted so desperately to experience something new, something exciting, to be away from my mundane and boring life that I spent an hour spewing lies and anger at him and may have even let a few swear words fly in the process.  I knew what the truth of the matter was, that he bought me, that I am his and that he is in control of my life, but I refused to admit it.  The thought would roll in my head and I would immedately say out loud how unfair that was.  He may own my life, but I still had to live it and to allow my desires to continue unfulfilled was just cruel.

After having a night to sleep on it, I woke up convicted of the fact that I am God's, that he is good and that I was in sin.  I am already forgiven for spewing lies to him, fortunately he can take it and knows my true heart.  I am also forgiven for my lack of faith an accusing him of being cruel.

I do still feel trapped, but at least I'm not accusing God of it any longer.  Someday, maybe, if he's willing, I might actually be able to move on into something new and the mundane life that I lead might be spiced up a little.  Until then, I'm going to keep trying, keep getting thrown back onto my butt and continue throwing temper tantrums because at least I know that he'll correct my perspective in the end.

*Sigh*

http://www.pvponline.com/2008/11/18/trek-on/

Yeah, we're both thinking it...

Chapter 2 - Imprisoned with Unicorns
( some good stuff here... )

I've decided to write a story, one that will culminate in disaster that won't actually be resolved unless this whole backing concept actually pans out.  The story started with a concept completely unrelated to writing a short story.  It started with the desire to put on something like a haunted house, only... different.  It evolved into a cinematic experience that a person would play an active role in.  Like walking through an alien invasion movie.  The more I thought about this concept, the more I wanted to create a back story, and the best way that I know how to do that is by writting it.  So, here it goes.  The story is called E.D.E.N. EAST.

Chapter one - the new recruit

( on with the beginning... )

It is Friday night and I am sitting in front of Moxie Java, sipping on a cup of sweetened french roast, waiting to be picked up to go to an art gallery.  It is the first friday of the month, and all of the galleries in Old Town are open until 9pm.

This is my sort of evening.

I've been contemplating my life a lot recently, and I've come to realize that I'm not really experiencing any sort of passion.  I'm just sort of... numb.  That numbness turned to discouragement and I've decided that it needs to be nipped in the bud before it blossoms into bitterness again.  I struggle often with depression, and I think that stems less from real chemical imbalance and more from simple wrong thinking.  I chose to induldge the lies and play the victim.  For some reason, it feels good.  That, I think may be part chemical.  I like to be happy, but for some reason, I actually enjoy being discouraged more.  The mud feels good when you get over the fact that you're filthy and you start to wallow in it.

Yet this does not honor God.  Time and time again we are commanded to be glad, to rejoice in the Lord, to give thanks in all circumstances and to be joyful always.  Never once does God tell us to be discouraged or to give in to it.  In fact, we are told to be thankful for our trials.  Trials are not an opportunity for us to wallow in depression, but to cry out to God and draw near to him.  It is our opportunity to turn to him and allow him to comfort us, to give us worth, to love us, and to draw near to us, and how sweet it is when he does.  I have had no greater joy in my life then those times when I chose to submit to God and let him have his way.

So why is it so rare that I do this?  I've been so numb lately, and a big part of that has been simple laziness.  This summer I pulled very far away from my church, my fellowship, my family.  I pulled away and pushed everyone out.  Now that I'm back in again, Why am I still discouraged?  Those that have been so strongly a part of my life have moved on to new things, new places, back to where they came from or just plain out, and I find myself longing to follow them.  I don't want to put out the energy required to build up new friendships, I just want my old ones back.

So what is my point?  Heck, I don't know.  I'm ready for a change of heart.  I'm ready to be passionate again.  I'm ready to really live.  So let's get to it then!

I am sick.  It's been about 6 months since I last got sick, so I'm not too upset about it.  The thing I'm wondering about is, should I need to call work in the morning, how am I going to do that with no phone?  I recently lost my phone, along with my boss's number, my production area's number, adecco's number and my ride's number.  It'll be more worth it just to go in and suffer through the day with a sinus infection and write everything down for next time.  Ugh.

Went backpacking this weekend.  It was a blast, only I need to get lighter equipment.  I need to get a camp stove, cookware, water purifier, tent, sleeping bag and a new sleeping pad.  One that will pack smaller and not feel like a huge burden on the side of my pack.  I want to get a light 2 man, 3 season tent, 15 degree bag, compressible camp pillow, yadda yadda yadda...

Fortunately, I have time before my next backpacking adventure as I don't plan on doing any winter packing this season.  I can save up and plop down about $1000 of equipment by next spring.  Yeah right.

Anyway, if you read this, you should check out American Lakes up by Cameron Pass.  Amazing!

I'm sitting here, my head cocked to one side because I managed to damage my neck playing frisbee.  How exactly does one manage that?  I can't straighten my head out or turn to the right.  My neck is killing me.  So, I took my last vicodin, left over from when I cracked my ribs, or perhaps when I had surgery on my back last year.  Either way, at this moment, I'm very thankful for that one remaining vicodin because it's the only thing that's keeping me from excrutiating pain each time I turn my head the wrong way.

Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

One of the things that I find so difficult about life, is also the same thing that excites me to no end.  Life changes, situations change, families change, friends change, passions change, hearts change, etc, etc, etc.

I am always excited when new things come along.  I am also constantly reminded that when dissapointment comes, it will only last for a short time.  Eventually things will change, and hopefully the new season in life that comes along with that change will be better.  It becomes easy to hope because, as Annie famously sung, "The sun will come up, tomorrow..." there is always a new day, a new phase of life, a new season to enter.

As people move in and out of my life, it seems to come in waves.  I become close to a few people, and they leave, but not long after, someone else comes along.  Usually these close relationships last a while, but sometimes, it's only for a few months.  I am convinced that everyone who is in my life is there for a reason, no chance meetings.  Sometimes, it's so obvious why.  Other times, it's impossible to see.  Either way, it is always painful to say goodbye, and today, I'm having to do that once again.  This summer has been very hard for me, and I've been faced with difficult decisions.  My summer season friends are moving today and friday, and I cannot express how much I will miss them.

But someone else will come along and take their place of prominence in my life.  Other relationships will be established.  God will move new people into my life.  Who will it be next?  Will I have real, 2-way friendships a month from now?  Will I continue to alienate myself?  Will I be immersed in a community that I convinced myself didn't exist?  Will I join a new church?  Will I keep working at Woodward?  Will I stay in Fort Collins or move to a new city for a new adventure?  Will I spend my life on people at Summitview?  Will I continue making artwork?  What will the future hold?  The next season is beginning, and a million thoughts and emotions are running through my head.  I am excited, terrified, sad, angry, hurt, healed and numerous other things all at once.  I suppose the best way to describe me is really, really confused.

I am sad today, though.  I am saying good bye to an increadible friend that I never expected to have.  I will miss you more than you can know.

Current Mood: sad

So I went and saw the dark knight last yesterday.  I have 4 letters and 9 words and an exclamation point to describe how I felt about it:  ZOMG, that was the best movie I've seen all year!  I have only one complaint, and that's the stupid voice that Christian Bale uses when he's batman.  Other than that, I would describe it as the darkest, most insane, most thrilling action/adventure/crime drama that I've seen in a very, very long time.

Oh, and Heath Ledger really did go insane.  I'm convinced of this now.

I'm stressed.  Very stressed.  I hate being stressed.  I want to not be stressed.  I cannot stress to you how stressed I am.
I just want to start walking down 287 and just keep right on walking until it ends, leaving all of my worries behind me.  No car, no phone, no job, no relationships, take nothing with me but some clothes, a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter.

Of course, we all know that I won't do that.  I just hate that this world demands so much of my time, money and energy and that there's not much put back in.  I'm so tired of giving when there's not much being given back.

Maybe I should go be a ski bum.  A friend recently told me that I'm a greater person than to be nothing more than a ski bum.  I don't know that I want to be that great.  I just want 5 minutes where everything is right in the world and I feel ok.  5 minutes where all of my relationships are perfect.  5 minutes of feeling like my job is making a difference.  5 minutes where I can let my guard down, rest, really relax and just be alright.  But that's never going to happen here on this earth, so why am I even bothering to talk about it?

Current Mood: pissed off

A dear friend of mine gave me what was probably one of the most amazing compliments that I've ever received yesterday afternoon, and I've been riding high ever since.  I'm serious, it was the most encouraging conversation I have had in a very long time, and it sent the dark storm clouds that had been looming over my heart millions of miles away.  Even today, every time I started to have a frustrating time with things, my brain immediately went straight to her words and I felt comforted.

I find myself constantly trying to fish for compliments with certain people, those people who's opinoins I respect.  I want to know the good things that they see in me so that I can build on those things, but also because I simply want to feel good about me.  I want to draw worth and value from their words, their opinions, their perceptions of me.  I long for it, I crave it, I manipulate to get it, and I go through withdrawl when I don't.

Why is it that a friend can give a compliment and I will walk on clouds for a couple of days, yet when I think about God moving heaven and earth to have a relationship with me, it doesn't  stir me one bit?  Am I so accustomed to the idea that God did such a miraculous and wonderous thing as to become wholly man, live, die and come back to life all as a means to forgive my sins and to call me into life that I would just think on it and just go "meh," in the end?  Why can a close friend make such an impact, yet the love, mercy, power and sovereignty of God all seem so intangible and distant?

Perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way.  I'm not viewing God as being my friend, rather I tend to view him as an "it", an all powerful, just, logical "it".  I tend to view him as an object and not a personality.  I'm supposed to have a relationship, but it's hard to do that when you see the person you want to relate to as a large rock.  I need my perceptions to be radically changed.  I thnk I tend to view this whole christianity thing as just that - a thing I do, rather than an intimate relationship with a loving person.  Yeah, this needs to change entirely.  I have a whole intellectual understanding of a relationship with God, but it's not making any sort of emotional connection what so ever.

I want to look forward to my time with God again.  I want to be excited about praying and reading the word.  I want his words to be my comfort and my strength.  I want this relationship with God again, not this continuous act of going through the motions.

I'm tired, and I need sleep.  Here's to hoping that I'm not really getting not sick.

Ganked this from little_teacup

"One little compliment can make you feel amazing. So give me a compliment, anything in the entire world, even that my shoelaces are pretty. Put this in your journal. And once you get some comments, put that entry in a memory or tag and when you are feeling down, just go to that entry and this will remind that you're not so bad in other people's eyes after all."

I found this on a random journal, decided to play.

1. My ex is... nonexistent?  (by usin the term "ex", one would infer that I would at one time dated someone, and since I've had a grand total of about 2 pseudo-relationships and no real relationships, this question is now deemed invalid.)
2. I am listening to... Band Marino.  Amazing!
3. Maybe I should... fold my laundry and go to bed.
4. I love... cake?  (thanks, that 70's show!)  but seriously...
5. My best friend[s]... is ten years younger than me.
6. I don't understand... women.  or men for that matter.  Heck, people are just confusing as all get out.
7. I lose... my hat every time I take it off.
8. People say... words of all kinds.
9. The meaning of my screen name is... an inside joke amongst friends I never see anymore.
10. Love is... confusing.
11. Somewhere, someone is... thinking about Abraham Lincoln.
12. I will always... be a hopeless romantic in all aspects of my life.
13. Forever seems... so far away.
14. I never want to... alone.
15. My mobile phone is... a Nokia somethingorother.  I really want a blackberry, though.
16. When I wake up in the morning... I just want to go back to sleep.
17. I get annoyed when... I'm ignored.
18. Parties are... fun!  I love being around people.
19. My fish are... in my belly.  mmm seafood... *drool*
20. Kisses are the worst when... it's your dog, and they stick their nose in your mouth.  Gross!
21. Today I... played the worst game of disk golf ever.  14 over par, what?
22. Tonight I will... fold laundry whilst watching an episode of HOUSE M.D. and then sleepy time.
23. Tomorrow I will... most likely paint a picture.
24. I really want... cake.  Don't ask me why, but I do.

I am massively pissed at God right now.  Why does obedience have to hurt so much?

I got pulled over today.  Found out that my license is still suspended.  I now have no driver's license.  I want beer.

I'm seriously considering being a ski bum this year.  Or would that be a snowboarding bum?  Eitherway, I've applied to work at snow mountain ranch in Fraiser, CO, and they give their employees a season pass to Copper and Winterpark, which is only about 30 min away from there.  I guess I'm just so desperate for something different that I'll accept pretty much anything at this point, and the prospect of dropping in someplace where I know no one just seems so appealing.  There's a certain romance to starting over.  After the season is over, I don't know.  Cali?  New York?  I've always wanted to see NYC.  Seattle maybe?  How about Portland?  Check out Imagio Dei.  Most likely not back to Fort Collins, though.  We shall see.

Anymore, I'm just not sure of almost anything except for the gospel message.  All of my relationships are in question, my involvement here, whether to stay in Fort Collins or not.  I don't know what to do, but I want to do something.  So, I'm going to start scattering seeds and see what takes root.  If God wants me here, then no matter what door I choose, he'll keep me here, but if I can go somewhere else, I'll probably jump on that boat pretty darned quick.

Don't get me wrong, I love Fort Collins.  I appreciate Summitview.  But I've been doing the same thing for 11 years now.  I'm turning 30 in about 8 months, and I don't want to look back on my 20's and regret having stuck something out that was due for a change a long time ago.  Am I being moved on?  I don't know.  We shall see.  I'm so restless, though, and I just can't see myself staying in one spot any longer.  I believe that my wanderlust didn't grow out of my discontentment, rather my discontentment stems from a wanderlust that God instilled in me as part of my character and it's not being addressed.  So, I'm longing to start my wandering gypsy lifestyle.

Some would call me uncommitted, and that may be true.  There's deffinately some issues there, and I'm not really in any particular hurry to address them.  I don't know.  I just know that I'm tried of sitting still.  My legs itch to move.  Let's go.

Eph 3:20, 21 -  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Why do I so often forget this?  This is what life is about.  Glory to God.  Glory to the God who is able to do immeasurably more than all I can ask or imagine.  So why do I allow myself to dwell on fear of dissapointment?  Yeah, things will hurt, but God in his infinance, is good and deserves all of the glory.  I do not.

Can I get an amen? 

Perhaps the most difficult thing in following God is seeing a direction that you want desperately to go in, the grass looks green, the path looks beautiful and like it would be so enjoyable to traverse, yet various things would prevent you from being able to go that directions.  God closes what look like amazing doors, and only later can we see the good in that door being closed, and even then, only sometimes.  Why God leads us in the directions he does, we will never know.  Why he does the things he does, only he can say.  Facing the dissapointment of a closed door is never fun, even if it is good.

When one door closes, sometimes he opens a different one, but most of the time, he just keeps us on the same road.  He leads us where he wants us to go, and eventually our hearts will follow.  However, that doesn't make thing any easier at the start of it.  We're like an energetic puppy that wants to go in all these different directions, but our master keeps having to tell us to heel.  Eventually, we just start walking straight and right next to him.  It makes the walk that much more enjoyable when we don't have to be jerked back all the time.

If God were to ask me what I desired from him, I'd have to say that i'd like a much clearer understanding of why he is closing certain doors right now.  Knowing his plan would make it so much easier to be at peace while following it.  But then, that wouldn't require any faith, now would it?

It's 2:30 in the am.  I have to be up in 2.5 hours.  Tomorrow is a long, full day.

suck.

Today was a hard day.  My mentor announced to the church that he's leaving to pursue a pastorship elsewhere.  I've known about this for 2 months now, but it doesn't make it any easier.  Dealt with jealousy.  Dealt with people's issues that aren't being addressed by the proper channels, and the proper channels don't seem to care.  Dealt with physical pain that isn't going away.  Dealt with a bad round of disk golf.

Yeah.  It's been a long day.

Thank God for friends who listen.  Thank God for being told the idiocy of my jealousy.  Thank God that he's in total control.  Thank God I can rest in that.

God, help me rest in the fact that you are powerful enough to get me through an 18 hour day tomorrow with only 2 hours of sleep!

Today I took 4 people to Windsor to do relief work and we were the first group to be turned away due to TOO MANY VOLUNTEERS!  Go Northern Colorado!  Not that it would have mattered anyway because we forgot to bring along work gloves, sort of a necessity when dealing with sharp debris and fiberglass insulation.  Of course, the number of volunteers will drastically drop off after today, and by Saturday, everyone will have forgotten that these tornadoes ever tore through that sleepy little town.

Since we had no assignments, we went ahead and drove through the area that was the worst hit.  Volunteers were pretty much tripping over each other, there were so many, but the thing that stood out to all of us was that one home was so badly damaged it was condemned, but their neighbors were standing perfectly fine.  Across the street, nothing was touched.  Tornadoes are so localized that the only thing they destroy is what they touch, except for the accompanying hail and such.  It's almost eerie driving through that town.  Areas are empty and heavily damaged, others are demolished and full of life.

On Sat, we're planning on taking a team to help.  There will be plenty of work to do, that's for sure.  This time, we'll have work gloves.